13:39pm As a sign off…


...we have a lot to answer for...

...we have a lot to answer for...

13:34pm Well, as much as I’d like to flick over to Network 2 and comment on the Cheltenham horse racing (no, really, I’d rather die), I think it’s time I got back to my porridge.  Toodleoo!

13:33pm I’m not going to lie – I’m disappointed. Only an hour? What am I paying my TV license for?  I DEMAND MORE ARIEL PAPER MACHÉ!!!

13:30pm Wait, that’s it!?  They’re not broadcasting the whole thing!  But they’ve just reached the Rainbow Anus float!

Out of a job - Blaithnaid and (who?) consider suitable careers in horse rendering.

Out of a job - Blaithnaid and (who?) consider suitable careers in horse rendering.

13:28pm And here’s the Val Kilmer pageant…

"I was talking to the missile."

13:26pm Just remind everyone what we’re doing here:  we’re celebrating the birth of Irish Christianity by watching a bunch of nobodys wave paper maché around in the air.  Enjoy!

13:24pm Have they really made Donegal proud?

13:19pm “I think they’re trying to reverse roles here. The people are made to feel small beside these massive insects.” REALLY?  Because I thought life-size insect models would have been much more suitable for a parade!

13:17pm “Everyone has their cameras out….”  DURRRRRR!  AND WHAT COLOUR IS THE SKY!?

13:14pm He keeps talking about ‘visitors’ every time they show an African or Asian person.  Clearly he hasn’t lived in Ireland the last ten years.




13:11pm Inner-city woman talking about their pageant representing the seven chakras of the spirit.  And is that how you got over your troubles, love?  “yeh an’ the Smirnoff!”

13:06pm “Daniel O’Connell enjoying the best view over everyone”.  He’s dead you idiot!  … oh, and it’s just a statue.

13:04pm I’m not joking – she’s talking to a group who have dedicated their float to the mundane tasks of the world!  “See our washing machines and lawn mowers!” PAAAAAAIN!

13:02pm Blaithnaid – “What?  I can’t hear ye?  What if I feed you the microphone?  Can hamsters eat microphones?”

13:00pm Clondalkin youth band brandishing weapons disguised as musical instruments. (I presume).  “Well done Clondalkin!”  What?  What’s that supposed to mean?  Well done for walking down the street without murdering someone?

12:59pm Stop talking about the joy and wonder in everyone. The kids are bored.  They’re here for the McDonalds, don’t kid yourself.




12:54pm Is this why they re-did O’Connell street?  It wasn’t just to encourage riots?  I’d rather watch old trees sit still all year round than watch this.

12:53pm Surprised the Austrian element is pulling a mobile cell with kids arms flailing through the iron bars.


Looks like Elton John's needed a few extra gigs to pay for that Oscar party.

Looks like Elton John's needed a few extra gigs to pay for that Oscar party.


"The theme is EXTRaordinary world!  EXTRAordinary!  IDIOTS!"

"The theme is EXTRAordinary world! EXTRAordinary! IDIOTS!"

12:46pm I think if Packy Bonner had envisioned this very moment twenty years ago during that penalty shootout in Italia ’90, he would have dived the other way.



12:43pm Ask the Phillipines about their troubled government and the threat of civil war.  Ah go on!


Who the hell does she think she is?  The Queen!?


12:36pm Continuously irrelevant Lord Mayor leading the parade with the Gee Unit.

12:34pm @MrVestek “Don’t buy the green shamrock shakes from McDonalds… They taste like gaviscon… seriously.”

12:31pm So far, about as exciting as trip to the bathroom.


The government continue to scrap for coffers by having children busk in the parade...

The government continue to scrape for coffers by having children busk in the parade...

12:28pm A world record attempt at a stilleto sprint.  Please, somebody fall.  I want to see a grown woman cry in the middle of the parade.


12:26pm Here we go!  Straight into talking about the new Shrek movie.  … Oh, wait, Shrek IS actually there!  I thought it was Blaithnaid again.


They did the mash!  They did the Monster Mash!

They did the mash! They did the Monster Mash!

12:22pm I’m so excited.  I hope Blathnaid Ni Chofaigh is presenting again this year.  What a beauty!

12:16pm Hang on, is this Skyfest, or a typical Saturday night in Limerick?  I’m pretty sure that’s tracer fire…

12:15pm RT @tensai808: Dublin Bus = clean bus

12:11am RTE are running with a marvellous montage of Skyfest.  The government did it right this year – they moved it to Limerick.  What better place to pick the pockets of the audience as they gaze upwards.  Expect positive tax revenue reports later this year.

10:35pm – Classic –  “Yeah. I think the Irish are going through a major image change. I mean, the old image of Leprechauns, shamrock, Guinness, horses running through council estates, toothless simpletons, people with eyebrows on their cheeks, badly tarmacced drives in this country, men in platform shoes being arrested for bombings, lots of rocks, and Beamish. I think people are saying yes, theres more to Ireland than this. A good slogan for the tourist board! Ders more to Oireland dan dis.”


10:15am – LIVE from Amsterdam, where the workforce is still working and the streets are not yet filled with puke. The St Patrick’s Day buzz is alive and well, my team have all worn green today to make me feel more at home. Although to really feel at home I’d need some knacker to run up with a can of colour hair spray and spray my hair green and then run off to his mates. Love that. Twat.


Or as live as you can get.  Yes, I’ll be honest, FESTIFAIL wasn’t as dramatic or event-packed as I thought.  Which is even more depressing – the fact that the event organisers realise how worthless the whole celebration is, and do a half-ass job.

Anyway, come 12:30, expect more cynical internet commentary in abundance…

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