How not to rent an apartment

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I’m currently keeping an eye on the rental market in my local area to see what is available. Occasionally I’ll see an ad that I just know cannot be real. I mean aside from the fact that the kitchen and the sittingroom on that link are clearly from different apartments,the price that the apartment is insane. For those not from the Amsterdam area that’s like putting up and ad for your BMW with a price tag of €14.99.

But ever the optimist I reply anyway and get a fairly prompt response. Unsurprisingly the response was as bullshit as the ad itself. But dear lord can these scammers at least try a bit. Here are some tips you if ever you are trying to fool someone into thinking you are proposing a legitimate offer.

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——–1. Do NOT use the name Pastor Thomas Brain

from Pastor Thomas Brain

Now, it might just be me, but the name Thomas Brain, Pastor or not, makes me a little bit skeptical. But the additional of Pastor makes the needle on the bullshitometer start tingling. The only image I have of Pastor Brain is this. And that is not someone I would want to owe money to.

2. Do NOT open an email with…

Hello Dear,

Come on. This is supposed to me someone I am going to enter into a business arrangement with, not an old women that wants to sell me apple drops in a paper bag which results in them all having bits of brown paper stuck to them.

3. Don’t bring God into things. It an apartment!

God bless you and your house hold and it’s nice to know that you are interested in renting my apartment,firstly let me introduce myself, i am Pastor Thomas of the redeemed christian church of God,actually i resided in this apartment before i relocated to Manchester city on a missionary work,i am here to preach the gospel of the lord and help the less privileged ones,my apartment is still very much available for rent and weekly rent includes all the utilities of the apartment such as electricity,water,security,gas and so on.The apartment is well furnished with all interiors you can think of.

Ok I know he’s a (zombie?) Pastor, but why does he need to being God into the equation right off the bat? And why is he blessing my household? Surely it’s in his interest for me to want to leave my current abode? Also am I supposed to be suddenly more comfortable knowing that he once lived there? Well if it’s good for the undead…
So he relocated to Manchester City (the football club?) to “preach the gospel of the lord and help the less privileged ones”. Wow, and I thought I hated the Mancs (I don’t really, they are lovely). Great to know it contains “all the interiors you can think of”. Aside from not really knowing what that means, I doubt he can have all the interiors I can think of. “Where’s the jamatorium? What do you mean there’s no jamatorium? Why is your skin flaking like that?”

4. Don’t come across like a serial killer

If you know you are really interested in renting my apartment i want you to promise me that it will be well taken care of and kept neat at all time because i will be coming from time to time to visit you in the apartment and i will be more than happy to see it neat when i come around for the check up.

I imagine the apartment comes with lots of paintings where the eyes seem to follow you around the room…

4. Do NOT ask the fuckin name of my pet

DO YOU HAVE A PET: _____________
NAME OF PET: _____________

Really? I’m supposed to take you seriously now?

– Do you have a pet?
– Yeah a cat.
– Name?
– Harry.
– Get the hell out of my apartment!”

5. Do NOT assume that being able to drive by the apartment will  be enough to convince someone to hand over 1200 euros.

I look forward to read from you with the information’s required,you can only drive by the apartment for now and view it from the exterior then get back to me with what you think,the full address to the apartment is : Binnen Wieringerstraat, 1013HS, Amsterdam, Netherlands.The keys and documents of the apartment will be sent to you so you can see the interiors as well and the requirements of you receiving the keys from me is the fully refundable security deposit fee of 500euros and the first month rent of 700euros which is a total sum of 1200 euros.

Oh, I can drive by it?? How convenient! And all I have to do to see the interiors is to send you €1200?! You’re too kind! Although the address looks remarkabley like it’s just a road…

6. Don’t talk bollocks

Note that all what you are doing now is to secure the apartment to yourself so you do not loose it to other interested applicants and the rent starts counting from the moment you move into the apartment so you do not need to worry about securing the apartment now and moving in later,the security deposit made is fully refundable after your lease period is up in my apartment or in case you finally received the keys and documents from me and you feel unsatisfied with the interiors of the apartment,but i am giving you a benefit of doubt that you will love everything about my apartment,and you will love to live there.

Hang on. I pay the €1200 now and that secures the apartment. It’s then up to be when I move in and I don’t pay any rent until then. Ok Brains, I’m paying €1200 now and I’m moving in in 2027. Good luck with your mortgage asshole.

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So I don’t think this apartment is gonna work out. I mean he seems like a nice guy and all, and he plays for a Premiership football club, but I’m afraid he will end up coming over to inspect the place and eating my cat. Still, if you want to have the driving by a random street experience for yourself just click here and use street view. Sadly from here though you miss out on all the interiors you can think of.

Full email here.

Pastor Brain, yesterday.
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One response to “How not to rent an apartment

  1. Pingback: How not to rent an apartment – PART 2: Rentally Challenged « pouring word soup on to the lips of ignorance

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