A pile of news was found today with words describing efforts made by Haitian personnel of the Spoil-All-The-Fun Department to stop a group of lucky Haitan children being whisked away by a team of loving, well-meaning strangers. The group of US missionaries, naming themselves ‘Team Lollipop’, promised to bring fame and fortune to a random selection of Haitian children. After persuading parents to sign non-photocopied, colour permission slips, Team Lollipop bulldozed their way through the aftermath of the Earthquake in high-powered machines powered by love and good-will diesel. Authorities stopped the group at port when they noticed one of the members’ suitcases contained a sunflower hat and tinsel underpants.
Haitian communications minister Marie Laurence Jocelyn-Lassegue defended the detainment of the group on the suspicion of childnapping, later adding, “They said I was one ugly mother-f**ker!” Ms. Jocelyn-Lassegue then laughed like a large Native American man, and detonated herself using a nuclear device.