With obituary mode in full swing across the mainstream press, the R520 picks up the moral gauntlet and swings it haphazardly at Mr. Jackson’s recently carved headstone.
– UPDATE 2 – Well, it came and went – the whole Michael Jackson era. Like a flash in the pan. A 50 year flash. 5lash. – END UPDATE 2 –
– UPDATE – Are the Jacksons of Egyptian descent? Because it’s the 4th September, and Mr. Jackson still hasn’t been buried. It seems he may be buried today. Amazing. I’ve seen road kill get quicker and better funerals than this guy.
Anyway, FUNERLOL is still in full effect, right up until the point when the priest closes the Bible, and just as everyone turns to leave Jackson’s hand shoots up out of the ground and screams ‘NOOOOOO!’ That is, Jackson himself screams, not his hand. That’d be too weird, even for him. – END UPDATE –
Everyone knows that Hack-a-Jack Wacko Jackson probably had the craziest life lived by anyone in the last century of 100 years – changing skin colour, years of impersonating a sick woman, fathering children with a completely different set of genes to his own – and yet, at the end of it all you can’t help but deny that the wackness out-weighs the jackness. Once the King of Pop and idolised by yours truly (the Pope), Jackson’s persona will be more easily remembered through gags and laughs than a deep, solemn respect for his musicosity.
If you think otherwise, you’re a moron who hates funny.
Which leads me to think that his funeral is going to be equally as outrageous and comical as his latter years. No matter how hard people try, no matter how mournful they may try to be, the world’s media is going to point their cameras at them and we’re going to laugh at the absurdity, the back-tracking, and the ridiculously rhetorical. But most importantly, Michael Jackson’s fans will make or break this funeral.
So without further ado, the R520 presents “FUNERLOL”, the world’s first (and possibly only) Michael Jackson Fantasy Funeral. This is a chance to guestimate how truly, wonderfully absurd this event will be. Please e-mail email@example.com with your choice OF THREE from the following options, as a means of telling us what you think will happen during the funeral. That, or stick them in the comments below.
The user with the most points will win a Patrick Moore photograph signed by the R520 members, plsu some Michael Jackson memorabilia (I swear they’re his underpants!) Points are weighted against the likely hood of the event. So play it safe, or GO FOR R520 GOLD!
a) When the coffin arrives at the church/Neverland, at least one nut-job fan will dive on the car bonnet. – 3pts
b) Before the body arrives, we will see at least one clip of a Jacko fan in full regalia (glove, hat, white socks) doing a wonderful pop-and-lock Jacko routine, while equally desperate fans cheer around him. – 2pts
c) Paula Abdul turns up drunk – 4pts
d) There will be at least one animal on display -2pts
e) This animal may or may not be dressed up as another animal -6pts
f) The pall bearers will moon-walk the coffin up the aisle – 6pts
g) The funeral will end to the sound of Jackson’s song “Leave Me Alone” -7pts
h) The sacristan will get the track number wrong, and instead play the next track on the “Bad” album, and the funeral will end to the sound of “Liberian Girl”. -8pts
i) Jackson’s Dad will charge the priest a fee to say the sermon. -1pts
j) Justin Timberlake will cry the whole time -4pts
k) Elizabeth Taylor will make a speech – 3pts
l) and will think she’s at a Nelson Mandela tribute gig – 10pts
m) Macaulay Culkin will be present – 2 pts
n) The Coffin will be in the shape of Michael Jackson – 10pts
o) There will be a minute silence in which someone will shout out a traditional Jacko “Oww!” – 8pts
p) Someone will commit suicide at or near the funeral site. – 10pts
q) The funeral will be sponsored by O2 – 30pts
r) A helicopter will make an appearance – 5pts
s) Bubbles will be in a tuxedo – 12pts
t) Toward the end of the funeral, a tank will roll onto the alter and a soldier will get out and hold a gun to Jacko’s head, only for MJ’s face to reduce him to tears. – You win teh prize
Additional options may be posted in the near future. But start guessing!